Therapy is often misunderstood. Many people approach it expecting comfort, validation, and a safe space to vent. While it’s true that therapy should provide a space to process emotions and explore thoughts, the ultimate goal is growth—and growth, by nature, is uncomfortable.
This discomfort is where the real work of therapy lies, but it’s also where many therapeutic relationships falter, as was the case with Holly.
Holly’s Story: A Reflection
Holly came into therapy with a complex history of trauma and insecurity. We worked together every other week for about a year.
Her perception of self was deeply skewed—likely a result of painful childhood experiences—and she worked tirelessly to overcompensate for feelings of unworthiness by striving to be endlessly productive.
From the outside, Holly appeared driven, capable, and successful. But beneath the surface, there was a fragile sense of self-worth that made her hypervigilant to any perceived criticism.
One day, during a session, something shifted. Holly interpreted my tone as frustrated or rude. I apologized immediately and reassured her that my intention was not to convey frustration.
In fact, I was not frustrated with her at all but I was direct. However, despite my efforts to repair the moment, Holly decided to discontinue therapy shortly afterward.
This decision was telling. It wasn’t about whether I had done something wrong or whether Holly was justified in her feelings; it was about how Holly responded to the moment.
She chose to run, to sever the therapeutic relationship abruptly, rather than sit with the discomfort and explore what it might reveal.
The Purpose of Therapy
Holly’s story highlights a fundamental misunderstanding about therapy: therapy is not supposed to be comfortable. Yes, it involves validation and support, but it also involves challenge and discomfort. A therapist’s role is not to make you feel good but to push you toward growth.
This discomfort is where the magic happens. Growth requires stepping outside the boundaries of what feels safe and familiar. It demands that we confront parts of ourselves we’d rather ignore, explore patterns we may not want to acknowledge, and try new ways of thinking and behaving.
Too often, traditional therapy has drifted toward a model where therapists act primarily as emotional support systems—agreeing, validating, and placating patients beyond what is productive.
While validation is important (feelings are real, after all), over-validation can create a dynamic where growth is stifled, and patients become stuck in their comfort zones. This is not the purpose of therapy.
When Discomfort Leads to Flight
Holly’s reaction—leaving therapy after feeling challenged—reflects a broader issue: many people equate discomfort with failure or misalignment. They assume that if therapy doesn’t feel good, it must not be working. But the opposite is often true.
When a patient runs from therapy after being challenged, it’s a sign of immaturity in their ability to navigate perspectives outside their own. It’s not a flaw or failure on their part but rather an area where growth is needed.
Therapy isn’t about agreeing with everything your therapist says or feeling good about every session. It’s about engaging in a relationship where you are pushed to question, reflect, and evolve.
Knowing When to End Therapy
While discomfort is a natural and necessary part of therapy, there are legitimate reasons to end a therapeutic relationship:
1. Lack of Progress: If you’ve been in therapy for a significant amount of time and feel no progress, it might be time to reconsider the fit.
2. Mismatch of Approach: If your therapist’s style or approach doesn’t align with your goals or needs, a change might be necessary.
3. Boundary Violations: If a therapist is unethical, disrespectful, or crosses boundaries, ending the relationship is appropriate.
4. Reaching Your Goals: Sometimes, therapy ends because it has served its purpose—you’ve achieved what you set out to accomplish.
What is not a valid reason to end therapy, however, is discomfort alone. Discomfort should be a signal to lean in, not run away.
Redefining Expectations
Therapy is a partnership, but it’s not always an equal one. As therapists, we bring expertise, insight, and a commitment to helping our patients grow. But growth requires effort on both sides. Patients need to approach therapy with realistic expectations:
• You won’t always like what your therapist says. Growth often involves hearing things you’d rather avoid.
• Therapy is not about feeling good—it’s about getting better. Improvement requires work, and work is often hard.
• Your therapist’s job is to challenge you, not to agree with you. Challenging your assumptions and patterns is part of the process.
A Note for Therapists
As therapists, we walk a fine line. We must balance validation with challenge, compassion with honesty. This is not always easy, especially when we depend on patient retention for our livelihood. But it’s essential to remember that our ultimate loyalty is to our patients’ growth—not their comfort.
The relationship we build with our patients is sacred, but it’s not always permanent. Holly’s decision to leave therapy was disappointing, but it was also a reminder that not every therapeutic relationship is a match. And that’s okay.
With Holly, I am reminded to be more aware of my tone and also to be more forthcoming with the type of therapy I provide so folks do not expect to be coddled.
Final Thoughts
Holly’s story serves as a reflection for anyone considering therapy—or currently in it. Therapy is not meant to be easy. It is a journey into the uncomfortable, a space where growth demands vulnerability, resilience, and effort.
If you’re in therapy, ask yourself: Are you willing to be challenged? Are you ready to embrace discomfort as a catalyst for growth? Are you prepared to hear things you might not want to hear?
The answers to these questions will determine the success of your therapeutic journey. Therapy is not about staying comfortable—it’s about becoming better. And that process is worth every moment of discomfort.
Reach out today, and let’s start the journey toward a balanced, fulfilling life—one where you can enjoy real pleasure and find satisfaction in the simple, meaningful moments that life has to offer.
Comentarios